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Hi Stacy:

Your points sound like many conversations I’ve had in defending myself. I believe being authentic and vulnerable helps us know when we are right and wrong in our work and that is something I definitely want to know and conversation about. Otherwise, with artificial boundaries we may walk around thinking we are helping and never know whether we are helping or even hurting.

Thank you so much for the compliment on the book it means the most to me. I’d love it if you wrote a review on Amazon if you have time.

Thank you again,

Tim

Yeah, it’s definitely not as simple as therapists not being willing to be vulnerable or it not being taught in grad schools and training programs; it’s often actively discouraged and targeted.

I’ve noticed the ‘poor boundaries’ response between therapists as well — it almost always shuts down important conversations and elicits shame, guilt, and fear in therapists to be vulnerable even with their peers. Counterproductive across most situations, and especially when treatment is helping!

Being vulnerable and authentic won’t always go as intended. We’ll make mistakes, misread situations, miscommunicate, and so on but I hate when these circumstances are used as evidence that the vulnerability is too risky/unpredictable. Not only are mistakes unavoidable and can help us learn and improve as therapists over time, the process of responding to them and sorting them out with a client can be invaluable.

On a somewhat related note, I recently finished reading your book, and was repeatedly struck by the vulnerability and authenticity in your writing. I can only imagine it took a ton of courage to put your experiences out into the world. And I like hearing you talk about fighting to bring that authenticity into your clinical work (including struggling against the larger system and the conflicts it can bring with colleagues/management). It’s your openness in sharing all aspects of your experience (including the most painful parts, times of self doubt, and experiences of regret) that make the stories complete (and thereby most believable, relatable, and understandable). To take out the pieces that are hardest to show the world would remove the impact. It’s inspiring to read!

Hi Stacy,

I really appreciate your comments, as they are exactly the type of things I think about when I work. I love what I do and am not burned out in the least because I strive to be authentic and vulnerable in spontaneous manners.

The problem I sometimes encounter is that people who have different beliefs about how or whether a person can heal sometimes attack or exploit the vulnerability that gets expressed and may call it bad boundaries and work to politically take it out even if it is working for the people who are receiving the therapy. This has happened to me on a few occasions.

I can certainly hear that some people may not feel comfortable with vulnerability and that it has to be artfully used in order to be powerful, but it is very difficult when people who are afraid of it and perhaps are jealous of it vie to politically attack it. This sometimes causes me grief when working on teams; however, sometimes teams can be good too.

I just wish it was taught more and less attacked.

I have noticed that schools often push people to fully understand a school more than they encourage someone to fully understand themselves. It’s kind of a pity.

Too often it seems grad schools encourage their students to learn about a few modalities, and then choose one to explore in more depth and work at ‘perfecting’ the described strategies. This discourages the individual creativity and curiosity that could be most helpful in their growth as therapists. Organizations and supervisors that new therapists train under also tend to over focus on getting the trainee to take on the modality, techniques, and style of the supervisors.

The therapeutic relationship is undeniably important, but these relationships become less authentic and genuine as therapists are taught to force-fit themselves into other people’s expectations of the “right” or “best” way to do therapy.

Organizations, supervisors, and professors insisting on overly rigid method of therapy is often well-intended and many times influenced by external restrictions (e.g. what will insurance agree to cover). But I think it is often motivated by fear- on the part of trainers and trainees alike. More structure feels safer which is understandably alluring. But with that sense of safety (from familiar techniques, step-by-step treatment manuals, regular measures of symptom outcomes) we are trading our own willingness to be vulnerable.

It is more vulnerable sitting with a client without already-scripted solutions, acknowledging not having the answer(s) and being willing to explore and learn together. And when our own self doubt and discomfort arises, not retreating into manuals and structured techniques and instead embracing the discomfort as a chance to experience a tiny piece of the client’s experience.

That willingness to be vulnerable, to be authentic and true to yourself as a therapist helps both therapist and client grow individually and has great potential for a trusting, genuine therapeutic relationship. And more generally, humans improving their understanding and acceptance of themselves increases their capacity to understand and accept others– the more we do this inside and outside a therapy room, the better.